When Things Don’t Turn Out as You Hoped: Navigating a Personal Setback
Some time ago, I experienced a major personal setback. It wasn’t something I saw coming—it hit me like a freight train. I was lied to, betrayed by people I trusted, and caught in the toxicity of dysfunctional conflict. I felt broken, confused, angry, and empty.
For a while, it was hard to even process, let alone talk about. Some days I was flooded with emotion; other days I felt numb, just going through the motions. I tried to pretend I was fine, but the weight of disillusionment over what I had lost was unbearable. I’d experienced hardship before, but this one left a deeper mark. I wasn’t sure if—or when—I’d truly recover.
I don’t believe I’m alone in this. Maybe as you’re reading, your own experiences are rising to the surface: the loss of someone close, a job gone, a medical crisis, betrayal, financial collapse, divorce, rejection. In a broken world marked by sin and sorrow, we all face loss. And the severity of that loss can leave us raw and vulnerable.
Jerry Sittser, in A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, writes about losing his wife, daughter, and mother in one tragic night. He says:
“It is not, therefore, the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives, for that is as inevitable as death… It is how we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction, and the impact of our lives.”
So, what do we do when there seems to be no clear path forward?
What Sittser reminds us is important:
Setback is inevitable.
Our response is what truly shapes us.
Setbacks can strengthen or destroy us—but we have a choice in that. Here are four lessons I’ve been learning through mine:
1. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
Grief isn’t a one-time event—it’s a process. It’s the soul’s way of honoring what we’ve lost. Sometimes we try to push past the pain or drown it in busyness. But that only delays the healing. Grief isn’t weakness; it’s a sign of love. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel deeply. And it’s okay for healing to take time. Grief doesn’t disappear, but over time we learn to carry it differently—with grace and gratitude for what was, and hope for what can still be.
2. Give Yourself Space
Grieving well requires space—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That might mean stepping away from responsibilities, routines, or relationships for a season. It might mean rest, retreat, or creating boundaries. Give yourself permission to pause. The world can wait. Healing takes room, and giving yourself space is a sacred act of self-care and surrender.
3. Make Room for New Perspective
In the aftermath of a setback, it’s easy to obsess over what happened. We replay conversations, wonder where we went wrong, or blame ourselves entirely. But healing often comes when we invite in new perspectives—especially from people we trust.
One friend helped me see the situation more clearly when I was convinced it was all my fault. And most importantly, I began to seek God’s perspective—not just “Why me?” but “What are You trying to teach me through this?” That question shifted everything. I began to see not just what was lost—but how God might be protecting, shaping, and preparing me for something else.
4. Trust That God is at Work
In our brokenness, it’s easy to wonder where God is. I asked that question many times. But Scripture reminds us: God is for us, not against us. One verse that anchored me was Genesis 50:20:
“What was intended to harm me, God intended for good.”
Even when things are unclear and painful, God is working. Often, His greatest work is done in the hidden places—in the waiting, the questioning, and the silence.
If you’re walking through a setback, I’m truly sorry. But I hope my story encourages you. Setbacks often come before comebacks. And sometimes, the comeback isn’t about getting back what was lost—it’s about becoming stronger, wiser, and more deeply connected to the God who walks with us through the fire.
You won’t be the same on the other side—but by God’s grace, you’ll be refined. And you will be used again.
From one journeyman to another—go in peace.